life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
