I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
