I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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