can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Pants are for mortals
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
