Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
