Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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