My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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