Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
