3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
