Whod you bang
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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