so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
