If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
