You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
