please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
