I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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