When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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