I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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