Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
