He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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