ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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