My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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