It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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