Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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