I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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