I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
