i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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