Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
