my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
