i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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