I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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