so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
