I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
