I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
