bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
