Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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