New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
