The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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