How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.