i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts