I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is