i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
