What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
