Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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