There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
