I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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