High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
