god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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