Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
