im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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