I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
