Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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