I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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