see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
