Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
