I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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