I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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