Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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