I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.